学雅思的小伙伴们应该都知道,
雅思写作别说考9分,考8分已经算是顶尖的大牛了。大陆考区迄今为止尚未有人考过写作9分,口语9分每年倒是有几个。大陆考区的写作考官,与澳洲和越南等考区的相比,改的更严一些,也就是我们平时所听说的“压分”。所以经常能看到很多在国外考雅思写作考到7-8分的,在大陆甚至只能考到6。好了,言归正传,我们来看一下这篇所谓的满分作文是真是假。
Question:Manymuseumschargeforadmissionwhileothersarefree.Doyouthinktheadvantagesofchargingpeopleforadmissiontomuseumsoutweighthedisadvantages?
chargeforadmission:收门票费
这个短语要是不认识,那2000多块钱就打水漂了。
对于单边类大作文,我们可以采取“五段式”
即:开头段-支持段1-支持段2-让步段-结尾段
其中支持段1和2各围绕一个分论点展开,让步段给出1-2个论点,几个小例子即可。
文章如下:
Somemuseumshaveanadmissionchargewhilesomedonot.Inmyopinion,thedrawbacksofanentrancefeeareeclipsedbyitsbenefitsinthesensethattheincomewillbeploughedbackintooperationanddevelopmentofthemuseums.
Amajordisadvantageofanadmissionfeeisthepossibilityofreducingthenumberofvisitors.Museumshouseexhibitionsandartifactsofgreateducationalandhistoricalvalue.Ifthechiefaimofamuseumistointroducethelocalcommunity,admissionshouldbefreetothepublicandvisitors.TakesomefolkmuseumsinHongKong,whichpreservehistoricrelicsanddisplayfolkcustoms,forexample.Admissiontothesefolkmuseums,whichareoftenmonuments,isfreeofcharge.Iftheyhadchargedanentrancefee,manymighthaveturnedtootheractivities.
Granted,anentrancefeemighthaveanegativeeffectontheadmissionfigures,butanincomeisfavorabletomuseumsintermsofoperation.Museumsfeatureeducationalexhibitionsattimes,andthiscouldnothavebeendonewithoutasumofmoneyexpendedonhiringprofessionalsandbuyingequipment.TheHongKongSpaceMuseum,forinstance,hasmonthlyexhibitionsondifferentissuesandprofessionaldocentsareemployedtotakevisitorsonaguidedtouraroundthemuseum.Thisexamplespeaksvolumeabouthowareasonableadmissionchargeisdisadvantageoustotheoperationofamuseum.
Inconclusion,thedisadvantagesofanadmissionfeeareovershadowedbythebenefitsaccruingfromastablesourceofincome.Therefore,havingweigheduptheprosandcons,Iamconvincedthatmuseumsshouldchargeanentrancefeeforthesakeofoperationanddevelopment.
范文分析
Somemuseumshaveanadmissionchargewhilesomedonot.Inmyopinion,thedrawbacksofanentrancefeeareeclipsedbyitsbenefitsinthesensethattheincomewillbeploughedbackintooperationanddevelopmentofthemuseums.
beeclipsedby在...面前黯然失色
用于利弊之间的对比
相关表达请参照下面这篇文章!
只会用“outweigh”表示“利大于弊”吗?来看看有哪些高级表达吧
inthesensethat从某种意义上来说
plough流向
第一段两句话:阐述问题+表明观点。
注意:单边类大作文,第一段一定要明确表明自己的观点,不能模棱两可!要么支持,要么反对,尽量不要中立。
Amajordisadvantageofanadmissionfeeisthepossibilityofreducingthenumberofvisitors.Museumshouseexhibitionsandartifactsofgreateducationalandhistoricalvalue.Ifthechiefaimofamuseumistointroducethelocalcommunity,admissionshouldbefreetothepublicandvisitors.TakesomefolkmuseumsinHongKong,whichpreservehistoricrelicsanddisplayfolkcustoms,forexample.Admissiontothesefolkmuseums,whichareoftenmonuments,isfreeofcharge.Iftheyhadchargedanentrancefee,manymighthaveturnedtootheractivities.
主体段第一段的论证过程不错,先给出中心句,然后通过解释分析(2.3两句)和举例论证(4.5.6)。其中我们可以学习一个高分举例的句型:
Takesth,which....,forexample.
这是这一段的优点。
接下来看缺点。注意一下这篇作文的问题!!!
Dotheadvantagesoutweighthedisadvantages?
优缺点两个词都是复数!说明什么?优点缺点都得有多个(至少两个),否则怎么能证明利大于弊或弊大于利?优点缺点都只写一个,在TaskResponse上是会严重失分的!属于典型的论点展开不充分。
Granted,anentrancefeemighthaveanegativeeffectontheadmissionfigures,butanincomeisfavorabletomuseumsintermsofoperation.Museumsfeatureeducationalexhibitionsattimes,andthiscouldnothavebeendonewithoutasumofmoneyexpendedonhiringprofessionalsandbuyingequipment.TheHongKongSpaceMuseum,forinstance,hasmonthlyexhibitionsondifferentissuesandprofessionaldocentsareemployedtotakevisitorsonaguidedtouraroundthemuseum.Thisexamplespeaksvolumeabouthowareasonableadmissionchargeisdisadvantageoustotheoperationofamuseum.
grant同意,准许
docent讲解员
speaksvolumeabout充分说明
这一段的中心句写的很好,前半句承上,后半句启下,在CC上可以得较高的分数。另一个亮点是最后一句话,对例子进行了进一步解释,直接将例子与论点之间的关系阐述清楚了。
问题依然同上,论点只有一个!不够充分!会严重扣分。
关于评分标准TR(TaskResponse)的详细解读和得分失分点,我会在后期发布一篇文章解读。
Inconclusion,thedisadvantagesofanadmissionfeeareovershadowedbythebenefitsaccruingfromastablesourceofincome.Therefore,havingweigheduptheprosandcons,Iamconvincedthatmuseumsshouldchargeanentrancefeeforthesakeofoperationanddevelopment.
accruefrom从...中获得
最后一段得出结论,重申自己的观点,并且升华了之前的观点(operationanddevelopment)。
单独看这一段的话,是没有任何问题的,可以算是一个高分的结尾段。主要问题就出在主体段两段。如果每一段的论证解释部分再少一些,然后两段各加一个论点,那么这篇文章就能接近满分了。